23:03 Hrs, 2011, Somewhere in North America

Ring Ring, Ring Ring (Phone rings)

Unknown person # 1: Hello (grumpy voice)

Unknown person # 2: You know that discussion we had?

Unknown person #1: It’s midnight, I’m tired, and what the hell are you talking about?

Unknown person #2: About Die Hard 5!

Unknown person #1: Can’t this wait till tomorrow?

Unknown person #2: No, I found it! We bring back his son! I mean everyone saw the kids in the first movie, and then we brought back the daughter in the 4th, why don’t we bring back the son?

Unknown person #1: I’m listening.

Unknown person #2: There is money to be made in the franchise still! It will have to go on after Bruce! All we need is to bring back John McClane Jr! And then screw those nerds and their Star Wars, Die Hard will live forever!

Unknown person #1: We could be onto something (alert now)

Unknown person #2: No! I could be onto something!

And that’s how John McClane was brought back to life on the big screen for a 5th time.

This time poor John, thinking his son is in trouble, flies to Russia! Yes, Americans hate Russia, Russians hates America, what better place to pick for John McClane to get into trouble!

Mother Russia, land of machines, beautiful women and badass people! (Oh, and communism). And all the Russian stereotypes are confirmed within the first 15 minutes of the movie, in the same order.

John McClane, on reaching Russia, is pulled into the mix as soon as the writers could get him. You’re then made to believe car chases, mass destruction of property, RPGs, launching cars off of overbridges and driving on top of traffic (yes, over other cars) are all day-to-day happenings, and that Russia has no police force AT ALL, only the Army, which the “villain” controls, cause wait for it , he is the Defense Minister ! Clever isn’t it? No more questions, end of story.

Then John meets his son, who was first made up to be a bad guy, and is now talking to someone in Langley , talking about a mission, and extraction, and we’re shown a drone, Oh wait , The CIA ! But John McClane Sr, doesn’t know it yet, a few laughs and surprises when he finds out. Anyway the McClanes throw the bad guys off their tail and get to know each other.

Then the writers throw in an insane twist (which I won’t ruin for you), and Jr. and Sr McClanes team-up to kill the bad guys.

All the while the writers for one second don’t consider John McClane’s age; making him run, fall onto, into and over buildings, cars, trucks and a helicopter.

Once they action peaks, they throw in another major twist, which we sort of had coming anyway. Then it’s an all out insane never ending gun fire, nameless henchmen dying, and massive explosions, till the end, which almost makes you want to throw up.

Adding insult to injury, they ruin the ending by adding a walking into the sunset sequence, WTF? If you’ve seen Die Hard 1-4 you know what I’m talking about, they just zoom out and you hear dialogues, hoping the characters will be fine (of course they never will be).

I have nothing to say to the writers, director or the producers or to you Bruce Willis. They say Die Hard 6 has been confirmed, and will start shooting soon, I hope they don’t bring the wife, Holly Gennaro back to suffer more than she already has in the first two movies, however I don’t mind it all that much, looks like there’ll be a few more I’m sorry Johns coming here on Willy’s Weblog.

If you haven’t already, read the previous I’m sorry John, and you can do that here.

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